Listen to Me! 8 ways to initiate change and prevent unnecessary break-ups

When we are ignored in a relationship—be it by our parents, partner, a group or even the government—when our fears and pain are consistently overlooked, we tend to dissolve in quiet desperation. Unless, of course, we see a
possibility for change. In that case quiet desperation might just turn into anger if not revolt.

Think of an abused child. As long as she is tightly controlled with no capable adult in site, she is most likely to suffer alone, withdrawn and depressed. I for one did and know how much this hurts. But when there is the slightest room for negotiation or a special someone who appears to have a listening ear, the first response is often an outburst. It comes in form of an avalanche of tears, complaints, and other furious expressions. Outbursts are like alarm sirens. We are supposed to pay attention. If we fail, the ignored child might turn up the volume or go deeper into depression. If we do pay attention, feelings pass and solutions can be found.
While children are the most vulnerable, adults react similarly. The need to be heard is so much a part of the human condition, our brains are uniquely equipped to fulfill it. We can decipher non-verbal communication in split seconds, hone in the smallest subtleties in speech, analyze complicated personal matters, bond with others with the production of hormones such as oxytocin, and empathize with the help of so called mirror neurons, specialized nerve cells that fire in unison with a person who suffers.¹ In other words, Mother Nature has thoroughly prepared us to respond to others’ suffering for the sake of our overall health and happiness. If we do not pay attention repeatedly, the price we pay is dysfunction and painful break-ups, ranging from estrangements and divorces to the breaking off with traditions and the throwing out of lots of babies with the dirty politics-as-usual bathwater.

Along these lines it makes sense that voters of many countries are becoming madder. They are largely being ignored by the decision makers. It hurts when the politicians we put in place in order to protect our interests are hard of hearing. The greatest challenges of our times have not been met sufficiently, such as climate change, racism, sexism, job insecurity, and excessive, multi-leveled competition producing unprecedented stress and loneliness. Not to mention the distribution of wealth with 400 Americans possessing as much as two thirds of the rest of the population.² To be ignored here is painful and hampers our growth as people. Only when we are being heard, can we thrive. As the historians Will and Ariel Durant put it,

“In any case a challenge successfully met (…), raises the temper and level of a nation, and makes it abler to meet further challenges.”³

But let’s return to the personal, as the greatest change always comes from here. Once more the Durants,
“The only real revolution is in the enlightenment of the mind and the improvement of character, the only real emancipation is individual,”⁴
What can we do to become good listeners and initiate change? How can we become a better parent, partner, member of a group or politician? As long as you are willing, this isn’t too hard:

1. TAKE THE OTHER SERIOUSLY
Lay aside your opinions of what should and shouldn’t hurt. Just because you feel good does not mean others do. What matters is not your judgment, but the felt reality yet to be discovered. Good listening is wholly based on tolerating differences.

2. ABSTAIN FROM DISTRACTING
Don’t try to dilute the pain by making false promises or offering fake and fast solutions. Distractions are good for scraped knees, not for bleeding wounds.

3. TAKE TIME TO LISTEN

Give ample attention to the other. When you listen with the utmost focus, the other’s expression can be swift. Remind yourself of your priorities as you offer undivided attention as a supreme gift in a hectic world.
4. VALIDATE THE OTHER’S EXPERIENCE

Validation is an essential building block of connections as laid out in “A Unified Theory of Happiness,” Chapter Six. It is a skill many lack, which ruins their every relationship. Don’t just listen, but affirm that you have listened and what you have actually heard.
5. BE CURIOUS

When the other appears to exaggerate or you don’t fully understand, probe for underlying issues. Most of the time curiosity trumps assumption. Ask many questions.
6. PUT YOURSELF IN THE OTHER’S SHOES

When empathy escapes you, make a conscious effort to take the other’s perspective. A great technique for couples is to reverse roles and explain the problem from the other’s side.
7. OFFER ADVICE, MAYBE

Frequently deep listening suffices. Resist the temptation to give advice, unless you are being asked to do so and when all aspects are fully understood.

8. COLLABORATE ON A POSSIBLE SOLUTION
Listening ought not to end when the other is “through.” It is often inappropriate, disempowering, and ineffective to solve the problem for the other. As you put your heads together while keeping an open heart and ear, the most fitting solutions are likely to emerge.

Advertisement

If you are the ignored one, please do not give up on yourself. Ask for attention; demand attention; stand up for what you need. You might have to be persistent and patient, but always with the understanding that you too have the right to happiness.
Sources:

1. Marco Iacoboni (2008), Mirroring People: The New Science Of How We Connect With Others.
2. Magazine: Der Spiegel 27/2016, Das Zeitalter der Wutwähler.
3. Will and Ariel Durant (1996), first copy right (1968), The Lessons of History, p. 91.
4. Ibid. p, 72.

NOTE: If this post in any way “spoke” to you, and you believe in might to others also, please consider sending them its link. Moreover, if you you’d like to read other articles I’ve written for Psychology Today, click here.
© 2016 Andrea F. Polard, PsyD. All Rights Reserved.
----I invite readers to join me on Facebook and to follow my miscellaneous psychological and philosophical musings on Twitter.