Nothing hurts more than feeling betrayed by someone you love and trust. Betrayal can come in many forms, such as dishonesty, disloyalty, unfaithfulness, or withholding. Each of these feels like a
moral violation that cuts to the core of your emotional soul and plunges you into a place of deep psychological distress. Relationships are very complex and, depending on the circumstances, a betrayal doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship. For some people, working through a betrayal can make a relationship even stronger. When there's a desire to continue a relationship, there is often a good deal of focus on whether or not the hurt party can forgive the other person. Forgiveness, while necessary to the reconciliation process, is not sufficient for being able to move forward with a relationship. Whether a relationship can be repaired depends primarily on whether or not trust can be restored.
Trust is the glue that holds relationships together. It is what allows you to feel safe so that you can be vulnerable enough to emotionally connect with another person. When relationships first begin, trust is often given early as part of an unspoken code of honor. People we choose to engage with socially are generally assumed to be trustworthy until proven otherwise. Over time, as we get to know someone, that trust grows and deepens. When we break this trust it is not just with the other person, but often with ourselves. You question not only what the other person did, but how you let the betrayal happen. For a relationship to move forward after a betrayal, it is important that trust be re-established, not only with the other person but, perhaps even more importantly, with yourself.
Below are some steps for how to forgive and trust again once you’ve been hurt.
1. Forgive yourself.
An important part of the forgiveness process is forgiving yourself.
When trying to understand a situation, we have a tendency to generate
explanations for why things happen, even if they are irrational. We
often blame ourselves: If I was a better person in some way, maybe this wouldn’t have happened to me. If I was less gullible I would have seen this coming. We think if we can find the flaw and fix it, we might be able to prevent it from happening again. Self-forgiveness requires self-compassion
and learning that, even with your flaws and vulnerabilities, you still
have tremendous self-worth and deserve to be treated well. It is
important to know that the behavior of the other person was his or her
choice and reflects who they are, not who you are.
2. Forgive the other person.
It is impossible to regain trust without first regaining control of
your emotional well-being by finding your inner peace with the
situation. Many people struggle with forgiveness because they don’t want
to let the other person off the hook for his or her bad behavior. It is
important to realize though that forgiveness isn’t about the other
person but about your emotional freedom. Learning to forgive and make
peace with things that happened in the past can happen more easily when
you take your focus off of the specific events that occurred and instead
try to see the perspective of the other person. Seeing someone else’s
perspective can help you understand the events that occurred and make
them less personal. It can also be easier to forgive someone when you
see them as a whole person. If you find yourself stewing in anger
over a situation, try to pull back and remember the good qualities you
know the other person has, and recognize that we all have flaws and make
mistakes.
3. Trust yourself.
It is nearly impossible to trust someone else unless you first trust yourself. A good deal of the fear
that people feel when they think about trusting someone who has
betrayed them comes from the belief that they will not be OK if it
happens to them again. They fear being emotionally devastated by
loss, the shame and humiliation
of being duped again, and the toll this would take on their
self-esteem. The fear can be so unfathomable it needs to be avoided at
any cost. This is where the work needs to be done. Instead of focusing
on why you won’t be OK, it is important to know why you would be fine
and still be able to live a good life without the other person. If you
are like most people, you’ve probably already lived through several very
difficult challenges—think about what strengths got you through those
times.
Some people also fear that they are being weak for
not leaving. If there is any type of emotional or physical abuse you
should leave and get professional help if necessary. However, when there
isn’t abuse involved, in many situations it takes a good deal more
strength to work through a difficult point in a relationship than it
does to walk away from it. You need to believe that should it become
apparent that it is time to separate from the relationship, you will be
able to do so and still be a wholly functioning person. If finding this
kind of trust in yourself seems very difficult on your own,
consider working with a professional who can help you see the blind
spots you can’t see in yourself.
4. Trust the other person.
The truth about trusting someone else is that the only certainty is that there is no certainty. There is always an element of faith
in the trust we give to someone. After a betrayal, all you can do is
assess the situation and make an appraisal about what you think is
likely behavior in the future. Does the person seem sincerely apologetic
and willing to make amends? Does the person act with integrity in other
areas of their life? Were there circumstances that played a role, or
does the betrayal seem to reflect their overall character? Has he or she
broken your trust in similar ways in the past? In the big picture, is
there more good than bad in the relationship?
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If the answers to these questions affirm the
positive, the choice in front of you is whether or not you can accept
the flaws of the other person and again trust that they will act in the
best interest of your relationship. There are never any guarantees when
it comes to other people. Only time will show whether trust is deserved.
However, withholding trust out of fear or anger will prevent you from
emotionally reconnecting with a person and keep your relationship from
moving forward in a healthy way.
Relationships are vital to our well-being and quality of life.
Without the difficult times, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good
times. Working through a ruptured relationship offers you the
opportunity to grow as a person and perhaps find a deeper meaning in the
relationship itself.
Source: New World Library
To view my 2015 TEDx talk, "Why You Don't Get W
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