Can we do too well in grief? Understanding resilience in loss

Sometimes people come to me concerned that they are doing too well. They question if all of a sudden they will somehow crash.  They wonder if their grief is somehow delayed.
            That may be a possibility but
if they can share memories and stories of the person they loved, it is unlikely they are repressing that loss. The truth is that many people do in fact respond to losses—even of individuals they deeply loved with surprising resilience.
            In fact, this was the point of George Bonanno’s—a professor at Columbia College—research. Bonanno documented that many individuals who are grieving a loss handle it with surprising resilience.
            Resilient grievers share certain characteristics.  Some of these factors are hard to control—related to past history or the conditions surrounding the death.  For example, resilient grievers reported fewer losses—that is that deaths were not piling on each other; one loss did not follow another.
In fact, resilient grievers were psychologically healthy before the loss.  They reported few earlier psychological problems or stressors and had good social support.  They had a strong intrinsic spirituality that offered comfort and support.
The deaths they experienced were generally not sudden.  Most said that they found great comfort in being able to say “goodbye” to the person who died.  Nor were the deaths perceived to be “preventable” – that is they saw little that they could have done to prevent the loss.  Often in more sudden deaths such as a car crash or even a stroke or heart attack, we may be easily haunted by the guilt empowered by all the “what ifs?’
            While these factors are out of our control, there are things we can learn from these resilient grievers.  Resilient grievers tend to have an optimistic mindset.  Part of this mindset is a belief that even the most tragic situations offer opportunities for learning and personal growth.  Keisha believed that.  The loss of her spouse was an exceedingly painful event.  Yet, rather than being overwhelmed by the changes she experienced in her life, Keisha looked at them as a challenge.  Each new accomplishment—even mundane ones such as doing the household bills—was viewed as a personal triumph.
            This led to another characteristic of resilient grievers – a belief that something good could come from even the worst events.  Jonathon’s son was hit by a car as he tried to cross a busy street. While Jon mourns the death of his son, he takes comfort from the fact that he successfully lobbied the town to place a traffic light there. He believes this will save others from death or injury.
            Resilient grievers had one other trait.  They often consciously tried to engender positive memories of the person who died.  Over time they reported these comforting memories would spontaneously emerge. Jonathon, for example, liked to visit his son’s favorite park. He basks in memories of his son as a toddler playing in sand, as a young boy on the swings, even as a tween shooting hoops.
            We need not worry then if we are doing too well.  We all react to our loss in our own way. And even if we have more of a resilient pattern, we are likely still to experience moments where we sorely feel our loss. We can be comforted by it.  For those who are not there yet, we can learn the lessons from those who are resilient—even as we grieve.