5 Things You Must Do To Change The Quality of Relationships

There is societal pressure to be partnered. When you are not, you often feel as if the entire world is wondering what is wrong with you. If your best friend gets
engaged, a cousin gets married, a co-worker has a baby shower, you may feel a twinge of jealousy and find it hard to be happy for them. Their outward signs of success may make you feel like a failure. Your relationships have not worked out.  Your partners have been terrible.

It's important to understand that many people settle for a warm body with a pulse. It's important to understand that outward appearances do not truly represent behind closed doors. It's important to understand many people put more energy into planning a wedding than understanding how to have a happy marriage. The attention that wedding favors receive is much greater than most people give to their compatibility with their mate.

In my book, Getting Back Out There (GBOT) I relay the story of a man who stayed with his best friend whose Facebook photos were of a happy, loving family life. After staying with them he knew that his friend was miserable and the Facebook photos a complete sham.  Most of us don't manage to get that close, but it does happen. When you're lonely it's easy to get sucked into the social media pretense of others and use it to judge yourself and find yourself lacking.
Many couples fail to discuss the important things that GBOT calls the Standards and Compatibility List. Others simply ignore the red flags and hints that things are not going to be so smooth or happy.  (GPYB YouTube video on Standards and Compatibility)
Despite all the stories of relationships gone wrong and the high rate of divorce, single people who are unattached can still look longingly at others and hope that they will soon be happily ensconced in cutesy coupledom forever and ever.
To avoid being the one putting false images on social media and trying to keep up with the joyfully joined Joneses, it's important to know why your relationships have not worked and what you need to do to change things.

1) Forget the pressure to be partnered.  What the rest of the world is doing is none of your business.  Like the guy who went to stay with his friend, you have no idea what the real story is. Affirm each day, "I am me and I am okay whether alone or partnered." Say this several times a day as well as other affirmations that say that you would rather be alone than be in a bad relationship.  Social media can be brutal. Reduce your time on it for various reasons.  Friends may want everyone to like the 4000th photo of their firstborn, but you can skip it if it's really getting to you.

2) In Getting Past Your Breakup (GPYB) and GBOT,  there are very important inventories to do.  It is important to really address the issues in your relationships before you begin again. The Relationship Inventory and the Life Inventory and the Standards and Compatibility Inventory are very important. They help you frame the issues and the work you need to do in order to address them. 

3) Figure out what needs to change.  What red flags have you ignored and why?  What compromises have you made that you shouldn't have?  What have you given up that you should have insisted on keeping?  The most important thing is to decide exactly what has gone wrong.  What have your standards been?  I remember telling someone I wanted someone cute, smart and funny.  Being good to me was not on that list.  Not smart.  The FIRST thing on your list must be "is good to me" followed by "wants to be with me." The other things are trustworthiness and loving behavior.  Cute can be a "nice to have," but it should be after all the standards that have to do with how you are treated.

4) Read "Bumps in the Dating Road" (the 5 R's)  in GBOT and decide if you're ready, if you can deal with rejection, if you understand recycling and if you are on the rebound. If you are not ready and start to date, you can always retreat.   Take a LONG look at this section as it is so important. There are bumps and then there are BUMPS, but this section will reassure you that you are normal and relieve the pressure to keep dating the wrong people or to keep dating when you're not ready.

5) Commit to your goal of having a healthy relationship.  It requires a good, long, hard look at the past via the Inventories (Relationship/Life) and a clear understanding of what you will and will not put up with (Standards and Compatibility) and preparing to walk out whenever a situation is not going to work out.  Prepare to put yourself before the idea of a relationship.  Eschew dumb statements like, "No relationship is perfect." or "Every couple has issues" in order to justify or rationalize your decision to stay in a bad relationship.  To thine own self be true, or another way is "BS yourself not."  If you decide that you will never ever put up with x and x happens, don't give yourself time to back pedal, get OUT.
It's work but it's absolutely imperative that you understand that if nothing changes, nothing changes.  If you really want real love with a good person and to be with a healthy person, you have to put the work in upfront.  It's possible, it's plausible and if you hold out, hold on and hold tight to your standards, it will happen.

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Happy and healthy healing to you all!
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