My husband left me last year after over a decade together (and married for four years). I was gutted, and my depression overtook me. I sold my house and moved miles away to forget the memories. Then, after 5 months, he asked to come back. I loved him, so I said
yes. He moved back in. It wasn’t easy, but we tried even renewing our vows. Then, eighteen months later, he left again, saying he wasn’t happy. I’m heartbroken all over again and in deep depression. I can’t imagine my life without him.
Ammanda says...
This must be terrible for you. Heartbreak can feel like an enormous weight that just won’t shift. And to have this happen twice must be unbearable.
The first thing that strikes me from your email is that you seem very alone. I have no sense of anyone else being around you, like kids or good friends. At times like these, getting all the help and support you can is very important. If you have someone you can talk to — someone you trust — then I really would advise you to reach out to them. It can really make all the difference when you’re feeling so isolated and lost. I’d really encourage you to visit your GP too. Depression can be so hard to manage alone, so speaking with health professionals can be very helpful.
At the heart of how you’re feeling is a sense of loss. Loss is one of the most powerful emotions any of us can experience. Losing someone that you hold so dear, even if your relationship with them may not have been perfect (or perhaps very far from it), can make your life feel pointless — as if nothing will ever be worth investing in again. I think that’s where you may be now.
You don’t tell me if your husband gave any reason for leaving other than that he was unhappy. Not knowing why someone is going can be particularly difficult, because it often leaves us with the feeling that we weren’t even given an opportunity to make things right. Likewise, the home you moved away to in order to get away from painful memories has now been corrupted by the fact that he temporarily came back. This must make things all the more difficult to bear.
One thing I am wondering is how you would describe your own sense of the marriage. There were two of you in it and, as it’s not really possible to be unhappy on your own, I am wondering if there were elements you weren’t happy about either. Taking him back because you loved him is something that many of us would do in the same position. When we’re feeling deserted and alone, easing the pain can feel more important than anything else. But sometimes problems that were there all along remain unaddressed, so what caused someone to leave in the first place may be the same reason they leave again. It may be worth considering that, even if he had stayed, things would likely not have been perfect — and indeed, might have been very difficult.
At any rate, you’re now probably wondering what on earth it is you’re supposed to do to get through this. The first thing I would say is that what you’re experiencing is normal. Grief is a process — and (not to take away from your own struggle) it is one that many people have fought through before.
It usually has a few main stages. Usually we first experience shock and disbelief. We can’t make any sense of it and the events— who said what to whom, what time it was, what else happened on that day and so on - just keep crowding in to our thoughts. This is often accompanied by the belief that if only we’d done/not done or said/not said that one thing, he or she might have stayed.
Sometimes this stage is followed by anger or depression, one following the other. Then, as time moves on, those feelings begin to subside a little as we find a place, often with the help of others, to almost ring fence what’s happened and move on with the next stage of our lives.
That’s the simple version and many people experience some, all or none of those things. The key point though is to recognize that what you’re experiencing is survivable. Try to see it as part of a journey — a painful one, undeniably, but one that does have an end.
I’d like to reiterate what I said earlier: seek support in others. Friends, family — anyone who you trust and who you think will listen. Talking things through with someone can help you gain perspective on the situation — and, if nothing else, will help you feel less lonely. Individual counselling can also help start the gradual process of rebuilding your life and regaining some inner strength – something that, understandably, may seem very far away at the moment.
Finally, it’s not for me to tell you not to have him back again should he ask. But I will say this: when we’re in a lot of emotional pain, trying to ‘re-create’ things can seem the quickest way out. However, it’s not always necessarily the answer. If he does want to try things again, I suggest that you make it quite clear you cannot allow him to hurt you as he has again. If he’s unhappy, then it’s his responsibility to explore this. Maybe couple counselling would help each of you to understand one another better and begin a better dialogue about what you each expect and need from the relationship. However, if he were to come back, I think my main piece of advice would be this: exercise caution. The last thing you want is to end back in this place all over again.
You say that it was he who made the decision both times to go. While you may feel yourself to be in a very powerless situation now, the fact is that you can decide to make your own decisions. One of these could be that you’ll seek some help and support from others and, when you’re stronger, not allow this man to hurt you again.
source: ask Ammanda
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